The following article is adapted from Mark Bertin’s Book, “The Family ADHD Solution” . This article is an overview of some of the content shared in Chapter 7, Behavior: Avoiding the “No David” Approach. Dr. Bertin’s book is a wealth of information, and we strongly encourage you to read more

Does Your Parenting Style Work for ADHD?

Parenting style matters in ADHD. Parenting does not cause ADHD, but different methods tend to be more effective and more likely to minimize symptoms.

What actually improves behavior for kids with ADHD? Emotionally supportive but consistently firm parenting. Behavioral improvement happens when parents:

• take the lead,
• stick by new systems, and
• remain patient with their children.

Change Begins with You

While biology drives ADHD, parenting choices profoundly influence the symptoms. Children learn new skills and take control of their lives over time, but through most of childhood parents create the broader framework for change.  You didn’t cause the ADHD but you do impact the outcome.

Studies show that support aimed at parents — such as therapy, coaching and training — helps ADHD symptoms more than when therapists work only with children. Does hearing that parenting affects ADHD sound as if you’ve done something wrong? Or like you should be doing a better job? It’s not that! You’ve always done the best you can, and there’s always something new to learn and try. The balancing act is being open to change, while also accepting that you (like all of us) haven’t been perfect before.

Stick to the Basics of Positive Parenting

Where other children may respond well to a wide range of parenting styles, children with ADHD require parents to more consistently stick to the basics. All children need supports until they have the capacity to monitor their own behavior, create their own routines, and manage their own responsibilities. Children with ADHD require this framework for several years more than their peers.

Styles of parenting often grow out of ADHD triage. A child’s inability to follow routines, impulsiveness, poor listening, irritability, or poor communication is challenging for parents, regardless of their intentions.  Even the most loving parent ends up needing to correct behavior more than anticipated.   Reward systems break down.  And general exhaustion over the required effort make us more likely to be reactive when managing behavior.

Research shows that parents of children with ADHD tend toward punitive parenting. It makes sense, as they have children who require redirection in order to be safe, do their work, get ready for bed, and complete countless other details of the day. Their children do not respond as easily to praise alone when learning new behaviors; they have ADHD, so they struggle. With all these challenges, it is unsurprising that parents of children with ADHD often lose confidence in their ability to affect change at home.

As a parent of a child with ADHD, you’re being held to a high standard. You are expected to stay positive in the face of slow progress when a child does not consistently do what you think best. And yet, ADHD-related behaviors require near-constant correction for some kids, creating a background hum of “don’t touch that, don’t run into the street, get back over here and finish your dinner.” What follows is a tough-to-break cycle of negativity.

Yet parenting that leans too far in the punitive direction may exacerbate ADHD-related behaviors in the long haul.  Instead, a balance can be found where a parent firmly upholds limits while creating an overall home environment that seeks out and emphasizes a child’s successes. 

Set Fair & Reasonable Expectations for Yourself

Taking care of children begins with carving out and protecting your own internal resources. Your children do come first. But if you are burned out or overwhelmed, it limits what you can give to them. If your marriage is strained and your relationship with your spouse chronically tense, it affects your children. When you are too harried to notice creative solutions, old habits keep you stuck.

Does this emphasis on your own parenting style and well-being feel overwhelming? It does not need to be. If you expect yourself to be a perfect parent, you’ll always fall short. The reality is, as you seek happiness and peace of mind for yourself some of your choices will work, and some will not. The same is true for your child’s attempts at seeking happiness and peace of mind. And your view and your child’s may often be at odds while you’re both trying to sort it all out.

Skillful parenting often comes from recognizing when you need outside support. Working with someone to address your own concerns or improve your marriage can make a huge difference for your children. Getting training and working with a coach or therapist provides skills and strategies. Practical tools support behavioral change and can help you build your own confidence and resilience.

Setting realistic expectations for you and your children is also vital. You cannot do everything “right” as a parent, or depend on a uniform, cookie-cutter approach to “fixing” life, since there is no one perfect solution. Instead, you can cultivate your own balance and wisdom, which allow you to manage family life to the best of your ability. Practicing mindfulness is one way to do this; ImpactADHD’s regular “Self Care Tips” for parents is another.

Children with ADHD benefit from parents who are compassionate, consistent, and able to set appropriate limits and expectations. Pay attention to your parenting style and find a match that works for you and your children. The fact that parenting influences ADHD may seem like a burden, but it can be an opportunity to take life in a new direction.

About the Author:

Dr. Mark Bertin M.D., a board certified developmental behavioral pediatrician in Pleasantville, NY, studied at the UCLA School of Medicine and completed his training in general pediatrics at Oakland Children’s Hospital in California. After several years as a general pediatrician he returned for fellowship training in neurodevelopmental behavioral pediatrics at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine. He is an assistant professor of pediatrics at New York College of Medicine, a consultant for Reach Out and Read, a national organization that promotes child development and literacy, and on the editorial board of Common Sense Media. His book “The Family ADHD Solution: A Scientific Approach to Maximizing Your Child’s Attention And Minimizing Parental Stress” integrates mindfulness into evidence-based ADHD care. You can also read his articles in Psychology Today’s Child Psychology Central.

So what does “good enough” look like? How do you encourage yourself and your kids to do their best, but not to stress themselves out by going overboard?

1) Tackle the important stuff first by starting with your top priority.

2) Observe – when you notice that you are getting to the point of managing the “finer details,” figure out how much additional time you want to spend. Then set a timer. Check back in if you are tempted to continue and make sure that the additional time is worth the added value.

3) Make sure you are clear why you are doing it. If it is a priority for you, then honor yourself by acknowledging that. If you are doing it to please someone else, acknowledge that as well.

4) If you are getting tired, ask yourself if it’s time to call GEMO –and do it with pride!

1. “Do your eyes light up when your child enters the room?” Maya Angelou

Since Executive Functions (EF) are social in nature and purpose, connection is everything. It is the foundation of self-esteem, self-regulation and more. EF are best learned in connected relationships. Neglect the relationship and you lose many opportunities for developing EF skills.

Spending quality connecting time with your kids is good for their brains. Interactive play is a powerful and effective way to foster EF skills. Joint problem solving and conflict resolution (especially with teenagers) is another fertile learning environment. Respectful, positive connection is the key to success.

Children who struggle to focus every day in school use up their cognitive resources. At home, they need a safe place to be accepted, loved and interacted with AS IS. Your arms and your eyes are where they look first for that acceptance. Your connection with them is vital. If you can figure out how to greet your child every day the way a dog greets its people, you will be amazed at what becomes possible.

PUT RELATIONSHIP FIRST, ACHIEVEMENT SECOND

 “CONNECT BEFORE YOU CORRECT” Pam Leo

2.  Are you calm and regulated when dealing with your children?

A calm, predictable environment fosters learning, self-regulation and connection. It’s critically important, as a parent, to learn and practice how to be calm and collected whenever you are with your child. In a calm environment, your ADHD child has the best chance of learning how to self-regulate.

An emotionally unpredictable parent actually poses a threat to a child. Here’s how it works: Your child’s brain, just like yours, is hard-wired to zone in on threat (real or perceived). In the presence of threat, the brain prepares to do one of three things: Fight, Flee or Freeze. The ability to problem solve and learn is shut down. When this happens, the emotional brain is in charge (what Dan Seigel refers to as a “flipped lid”). No learning or problem solving can occur when lids are flipped. Don’t even try – you will make it worse. Wait for calm.

CALM = CAPABLE

SOMETIMES THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS NOT MAKE IT WORSE

 3.  Are your expectations in line with what your child CAN do?

Knowing and understanding the difference between a “won’t” and a “can’t” is very important. Strategies that are effective for “won’t”s frequently don’t work with “can’t”s, often resulting in shame and inadvertent reinforcement of the very behaviors you are trying to change.

When you line up your expectations with what your children can do, you are less likely to focus on flaws and be disappointed in your children. You are also more likely to provide an environment in which success is possible. For example, if you expect a clumsy, distracted child to avoid the Ming Vase next to the door s/he uses every day, chances are pretty high that breakage, disappointment and shame will result. Worse, the labels of “clumsy” and “distracted” will be reinforced. On the other hand, if you expect the limits that come with your child’s clumsiness and distractibility, proactive planning can help you create an environment in which success is more likely. Simply put, if you move the vase to a less travelled area, you set your child up for success and reduce the likelihood of a threat response. This can fosters the growth of EF.

“PARENT THE CHILD YOU HAVE” Cindy Goldrich

“CHILDREN DO WELL WHEN THEY CAN” Ross Greene

4.  Do you teach HOW instead of WHAT?

Effective EF is all about how things get done. Doing what you know, rather than simply knowing what to do, leads to successful functioning and builds a healthy sense of autonomy, resilience and self-confidence. On the other hand, if your child knows what to do but can’t do it, success can be fleeting, rare and seemingly out of reach. Under such conditions, the child’s self-esteem plummets, and your parental concerns and worries rise.

When parents focus more on the process then on the end result, good EF and/or good compensatory strategies are more likely to develop. Use detailed praise to give your child the information needed to be able to do it again. Focus on the how not the what. For example, “I noticed that you went to a quiet place to study, took frequent breaks and made some flash cards. The spelling words got deep in your brain, you remembered them for the test and were even able to use them in sentences. Your hard work paid off!” versus “Great job on that spelling test. You got a B.”

PRAISE EFFORT NOT TRAITS

ACKNOWLEDGE THE STRUGGLE

FOCUS ON HOW, NOT WHAT

For more reading on the topics above please refer to the following books, and others in the Resources section. How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine; Mindset by Carol Dweck; The Explosive Child by Ross Greene; The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel; Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved by Russell Barkley

About the Author:
Susan Bauerfeld, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Wilton, CT. Bringing a unique combination of skills and experience with CBT, attachment theory, neuropsychology, cognitive remediation, coaching and parenting her 3 wonderful, challenging boys, she is an ardent proponent of facilitating change through education, understanding, skill development and practice. She offers workshops, psychotherapy and coaching for parents looking to strengthen their relationships and effectiveness with their children, as well as ADHD coaching for teens through adults. She helps her clients stay accountable and encouraged as they practice new skills and work toward better interpersonal connections and outcomes. Dr. Bauerfeld holds an MA and PhD from Fairleigh Dickinson University, a BA from Trinity College and is a member of APA, CTPA, CHADD and Phi Beta Kappa. She is available for presentations and speaking engagements. (203) 216 3751. susanbauerfeld.phd@gmail.com

My child marches to the beat of a different drummer than most kids her age. Frankly, she’s listening to an entirely different orchestra! And no matter how much I know that it’s actually a good thing for her to dance to her own music, it can be really hard for me to keep dancing, myself, when I have no clue what music I’m dancing to most of the time.

Once we have children, their lives influence ours, their friends’ parents become ours, their schools become a focus of our attention, and their activities become an outlet for our volunteerism. We are enmeshed in each other’s worlds. For most of us, long before they get there, we create a vision of what it will be like when our children achieve certain milestones – kindergarten, school dances & proms, graduations. Alongside that vision, we create a picture of what the experience will be like for us.

To support our “complex” kids in their growth and development, we often need to shift those images we created when they were little, changing our expectations to meet the child we have, not the child we thought we would have. Of course, that means changing our dreams for ourselves, as well.

It’s difficult for parents to shift expectations for our kids. I’ve come to believe that it’s even harder to change what we envision for ourselves!

So over the years, with a particularly “quirky” kid, I have found myself a little lost with each of her childhood milestones, out of sync with my friends and – to be totally honest – mesmerized and a little jealous. It’s been hard to find my place as a parent among my own peers when my daughter has chosen a path so different from hers.

This has happened so many times, now, that you’d think I’d be accustomed to it. But I’m not. It still has the ability to hit me like a ton of bricks. This year’s graduation season was no exception.

As I attended the HS graduation ceremony of a school I once expected my daughter to graduate from –and watched her peers, a few friends, and my niece cross a stage that she would never cross – I found myself intensely conflicted. It’s not that I wanted my daughter to be there. Okay, well, it would have been nice. But would I trade what was best for her for my comfort as a parent? No way! So I supported the many children I’ve known all these years, and their parents who were once my peers. And I cried, co-mingling tears of joy and sadness.

The following week David and I attended our daughter’s graduation at another school, in another state. It’s a long and complicated story that I won’t go into here – I’m still trying to figure out how best to share it – but the bottom line is that she graduated in a small class of 15 kids in a school dedicated to “2E” Education – education for kids who are twice exceptional, both gifted and challenged.

We attended the lovely backyard-style graduation, surrounded by parents we didn’t know. At first I felt like a guest at my own wedding. Then, I realized that I had more in common with these parents than all of my friends at the other school. THESE parents fully understood our journey, though they didn’t know us at all. THESE parents understood what it means to raise an intensely bright, complicated child. THESE parents had also struggled with the challenges of educating a child for whom “doing school” did not come naturally or easily.

So in addition to earning a HS diploma — which was hard won, to say the least — my daughter reached a major milestone alongside her peers. She marched in a cap and gown – and floral-lined combat boots – her successes, both in and out of school, acknowledged and celebrated. I sat reveling in my peers, parents I didn’t know but who understood my parenting experience in a way that was surprisingly gratifying!

Even though I’ve grown to accept and embrace my daughter’s approach to life, sometimes I still find myself left standing on the sidelines of a game she’s no longer playing. As I look around, it seems like I should be in the right place. But then I remember that my child left the field, in search of a game better suited for her. I’m really proud of her for that! And I’m learning to take a deep breath, smile to myself, and either enjoy the game I’m watching – or give myself permission to do something else.

At the end of the day (or, rather, a very long High School career), my daughter’s High School graduation reminded me that as my daughter’s path shifts, so, too, will mine. It’s okay that I don’t know the other parents on the new route. We understand each other. And let’s be serious, at the end of this long educational adventure called childhood, that is what I’ve wanted all along.

If you liked this post and wish to reprint it, you may be our guest, as long as you use the article in its entirety and include this blurb:  “This article originally appeared on ImpactADHD.com and is reproduced with permission.”

A friend of mine had a routine she would use with her son as part of “making up” after they had an argument. They would put their hands together (like playing patty cake) and together move their hands like they were cleaning off a blackboard. Then they would hug and go on with their day. It was their way of starting fresh by wiping the slate clean.

It can help to take the perspective that our friends and family members always have good intentions. Typically, we don’t go out of our way to hurt each other’s feelings. Giving the other person the benefit of the doubt is the first step in moving forward. Recommitting to the relationship and moving forward with forgiveness comes next.

What makes this a self-care tip? Ultimately, forgiveness does more for the forgiver than the offender. So look around. Where could you benefit from starting with a clean slate?

Relationships always take two people, but it only takes one person to break a negative cycle. So how can you help your reacting child break the cycle and create a better sibling relationship?

(1) Speak to kids as adults and tell them the hard truth.

When we baby a reactive child, we create a victim. “I’m so sorry your brother is irritating. Listen, your childhood is going to be awful until your brother goes off to college. Sorry.” I just created a victim. Instead, speak honestly:

• YOU have a choice in how you respond in this situation.
• You are going to be annoyed by people your entire life. If all you ever do is react to irritating people, or react to disappointing situations, you are likely to be a miserable, powerless person. That’s your choice.
• Every time your brother pokes you, calls you a name, takes something from your room or looks at you…and you react to him…you are giving him POWER over your moods, attitude and actions. Do you like being your brother’s puppet? When you react, he is controlling and becoming the boss of you.

Now your child may say, “But you don’t know what my brother did.” My reply is, “I am NOT interested in what your brother said or did. I am interested in only one thing: what YOU are going to do the next time your brother irritates you?”

(2) Teach your child to respond consciously.

Now that you’ve created some clarity about the situation, your child may say, “Well, next time I’m going to hit him.”

Your response might be: “You can do that, but it means your brother is controlling you even more. He provokes you, you react by hitting, and that’s the exact moment I walk in the living room and see you retaliating. Now you’re in trouble and your brother is mocking you.”

Try these strategies to help your child focus on a positive response:

• Role-play with your kids. Recreate common situations and teach them different ways to respond. Teach them to kill with kindness—when your brother tries to irritate you, take back control by doing something kind to him. You are Teflon—it doesn’t bother you! Show your kids how to walk away from their siblings and come to you in a mature way, rather than tattling or whining. Show them how to lead rather than react: “I’m not going to react to you, but I will play football with you.”

• Here’s a great visual prompt. When your kids are squabbling, hold up a Kleenex as a reminder that your child is “surrendering” his power. “Why are you surrendering to your brother?”
  

(3) Teach your kids to demonstrate self-respect.

Siblings will keep picking on each other as long as they get the reaction they want. This is what self-respect might look like.

• “Jason, I know you think you can irritate me and get a reaction from me. I refuse to give you power over my mood and attitude. You DO NOT get to choose that. I do. I have too much self-respect to react to you…just because you look at me, steal something from me or call me a name. So try all you want, but I have too much self-respect to allow you to control me.”
  

• Your child can demonstrate leadership by adding, “But if you want to go outside and play football, I WILL do that with you.” Then he can walk away. That is strength and confidence.

Take time this summer to teach your kids the most important skill they can develop: the ability to control themselves, not other people.

About the Author:
CelebrateCalm.com Founder Kirk Martin and his son, Casey, have helped over 300,000 parents stop defiance, disrespect, power struggles and sibling fights. Their strategies are concrete, practical and work in everyday situations, whether your child is a toddler or teenager. Sign up for his free newsletter at www.CelebrateCalm.com.

•  It reverses some of the natural responses when we are under stress, counteracts production of stress hormones, and slows down our heart rate and blood pressure.
• A few (3 – 5) deep breaths can be more than enough time to give you some space to really figure out how you want to respond in a situation. An added bonus: if you breathe, or pause first before responding, there is a real chance that you will respond differently. Potentially, that can help you avoid one of those challenging “why did I say that?” situations.
• Teach it to your kids and help diffuse those “intense moments” at home, whether they come from sibling rivalry, homework headaches, or something else entirely!

What would it look like for you to view your relationship with your kids this way?

Here are some things I’ve learned from my kids:

• Keep things simple – adults tend to make things harder than necessary.
• A hug, a smile, or a deep breath can reset you and get you back on track.
• Live life with Gusto – enjoy every moment and be on the lookout for the next adventure.
• Wipe the slate clean each day and be ready and excited to start fresh.

When you bring a sense of curiosity to all of your interaction with your kids, it’s amazing what you can learn.

If you liked this post and wish to reprint it, you may be our guest, as long as you use the article in its entirety and include this blurb:  “This article originally appeared on ImpactADHD.com and is reproduced with permission.”

Questions are a kind of an invitation, a welcoming from one person to another. They say, “You matter to me. What you think, or say, or feel truly matters.” Of course, there’s one part to asking questions that is an important part of the process. Remember to listen for the answers!

If you liked this post and wish to reprint it, you may be our guest, as long as you use the article in its entirety and include this blurb:  “This article originally appeared on ImpactADHD.com and is reproduced with permission.”